it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
