you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
