I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
