the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Found the puke drawer
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
