The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she peed on how many people?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
