Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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