I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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