i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
