Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Success! We fucked roommates!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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