sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
