Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Apparently you make a good broom.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
