8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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