If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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