i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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