I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
