I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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