I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
