Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
