My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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