Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I could fuck to npr.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
