that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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