Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
