I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
