doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
