So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
