I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
