that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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