I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
