nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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