When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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