My liver just broke up with me...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
