if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
