Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
