I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
