OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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