he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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