Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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