when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
