what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
