so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
