One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize