my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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