Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
