Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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