nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
