That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
