it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
