nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
