you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
birth control should be required to get into college
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
