My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
