Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
