Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
