I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
