I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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