I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
