mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
