its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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