This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
