A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My bed smells like the plague
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize